the story of me

When I was six years old I fell in love for the first time. Her name was language and my only way to her was through the act of putting pen to paper. And she became much more than just my lover: she became my best friend, my home, my resort, my hiding place, the one and only island on which I was myself, 110%. I lost her at eighteen, when I chose Law School over Literature.

At twenty-two a few months after graduation, and while I was busy making other plans, life visited me to remind me of its unpredictable nature and to take my breath away- quite literally. Without thinking and while everything else felt unsure and unsafe, I reached out and asked her to grab my hand. She did and a few months before the then new year, I had completed my first book. While in Paris working on my MA, the publishing Goddess knocked on my door three times. All three, I did not answer. The conversations between her and I were purely ours, my heart was only hers- I was not ready to share with the rest of the world. The book’s topic? The soul mate theory.

I put my handwritten notes up on the shelf and decided that career would be the focus of my life because that sort of extreme, Serendipity-like love would never happen to me; it shouldn’t happen to me, I thought. I stopped writing and focused on saving the world, from the internationalist’s perspective. World organizations, conflict-ridden areas, multitrack diplomacy and big-bucks networking receptions became my daily life.  I would occasionally read my fiction novels, outside work, but I wouldn’t write- that would have been too dangerous, it would have made me too…me-like.

Life happened again in my late twenties, and while I thought life was just never going to roll my way,  I met love all over again. Only this time, she had flesh and bones, a name and a voice. My only way to her was letters, words. Words that conveyed all I ever was, all I ever would be, with the exception of one important detail.

When love happened, my writing Muse emerged herself de nouveau as if that was the natural progression of things; my universe was falling into place: just like I had no choice loving with all my heart, I had no choice writing with all that I had either. Magic happened and although I was investing myself in it day by day as I would gradually run out of choice, strength or willingness to resist, I started living love…backwards.

I believe in magic. I believe in fate, that everything happens for a reason. I believe in always and forever, that once you love, it never goes away and it can never be replaced. I believe in believing. I believe. That’s what I want this blog to be all about: believers; lovers; idealists; dreamers; prayers; hopers. All that’s meant to happen in life, shall happen regardless of our choices and/or decisions. Sometimes looking forward means looking within, and realizing that we just can’t escape our true destiny, because deep down, we shouldn’t want to.

I quit my job and now, just a few months before hitting thirty, I have completely devoted head, heart and gut to my truth, to all that makes me come alive and to my two wishes for 2010. It doesn’t matter whether they happen or not- the moment of absolute Truth is when you catch yourself making them regardless…

CS

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